~*MY VIRTUAL JOURNAL*~
JANUARY 19, 2001 -- Today was me and Justin*'s 18 month anniversay (that's 1 and 1/2 years! WOW!). We didn't go out and celebrate like alot of other people. We're not the kind of couple to do that. Afterschool we just went to his house and slept on the couch together (NO not in "that" way you sicko's! Hahahaha!) I felt so peaceful just being in his arms and hearing his heart beating. I love him, but sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted and stuff and I tell him that but it seems like he just denies it. Some days I want to be with him; Somedays I wish I was with someone else. Either way, he'll be leaving this fall for college (that's like 5-6 hours away). I'm afraid for that day to come because it'll break my heart and I'm afraid of getting hurt. See, Justin cheated on me within the first week of us being gf/bf. I cried myself to sleep the night he told me and I cried again the next day. It hurt soooo much and I felt so unloved and worthless. I started smoking, but not seriously... it was more like just to calm me and take my mind off things... no I didn't have to go on the patch or anything... the most I smoked was like twice a week... I've stopped now though (I didn't like it much to begin with) aren't you all proud?

JANUARY 20 2001-- Today's one of those days when you feel like a smoke just to relax... I went to Justin's indoor soccer game this morning (they won 11-6). I went to work right after that and it sucked soooo bad. For one, I think Kyle* was sorta upset w/me... I dunno why. I swear to gawd, everyone's out to piss me off today. I got home and my mom's like "No you can't use the car tonight". Why? She never really gave me a good reason... I hate it when parents do that. My parents treat me like a friggin 3rd grader I swear. PARENTS: YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM, YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT 'EM. That's why being a teenager sux so much. Tonight I'ma go over to Noel*'s and watch a movie or do something dumb... I'll fill ya in on that later though.

JANUARY 25 2001-- The movie thing was okay (on Saturday I mean)... we ended up watching Scream 3... and it sucked... royally. Anyways David* (the guy Noel's trying to hook me up with) brought me home. Sunday, I had to work and Kyle* was in a better mood. Then I came back later the night cause I forgot to return the movie so I went back up to work and talked to Kyle for a while. I think he likes me cause we just stood outside and talked for like a 1/2 hour (yeah he kept me warm ;-) ). Then he gave me and hug and a kiss on the cheek and we left. We got closer then we should've considering we both have significant others, but oh well... I would go out with him, (if I was single, which I may be very soon) but he's going out with Amanda* (one of my friends) so I don't think that would go over too well. Anyways I'm trying to see if I can switch one of the girl's at work for Saturday morning so I can work with Kyle, but I dunno... David asked me out Saturday night again to go see a movie... I dunno what's going on in my life anymore... if any of you out there know, tell me please cause I have no clue!

JANUARY 26 2001-- Well, I was up til like midnight last night working on some stupid English project. I was gonna print it out this morning but my computer was being gay and jewish (no offense to anyone) so I ended up being like 2 hours late for school... I had my dad call the school office and say I had a doctor's appointment or something dumb. Tonight I'm stuck babysitting my sis and bro because my parents went to the high school basketball game, so yeah that sux. I don't get to work with Kyle tomorrow :-(, but I'll prolly go to Justin's soccer game. Tomorrow night me and Noel and her bf, Nate*, and David are going to see a movie (that is if my mom decides NOT to be such a bitch). God my life sux...

JANUARY 28 2001-- Last night me and Noel and Nate and David went to see "Save the Last Dance"... damn that was a good movie. Mom was being a bitch and (again) wouldn't let me use the car, but I still got to go... we ran into a few of David's friends at the mall (me, Noel, and Nate go to the same school, but David goes to a different one) and then we went to Godfather's Pizza... yes we took the salt and pepper shakers. The movie was really good... but David didn't make a move or anything (Noel told me that he really likes me though)... Anyways after that we went to K-Mart cause Nate had to get something (I don't know what it was though) so me and Noel snuck around K-Mart, hiding from them just for the hell of it, then we went to Nate's house and played Racko... hahahaha... All in all it was a pretty good night. Today after church I stopped at work to check the schedule and Justin was working... so was Kyle... as it turns out, I'm working with Kyle next Saturday morning! Woo-Hoo! I told him that and he was like "Really? Alright! Can't wait! See ya then!" He's my favorite person to work with... and I think I'm his too!

JANUARY 29 2001-- Woo-Hoo! School's cancelled today cause of icy roads. Didn't do anything at all last night. Nuthin much has happened today so far... oh but I met this guy on Yahoo chat who was checkin out this website... JP... he told me to write about him in dis journal so I thought "hey what the hell" ... he stayed home from school today too just cause I did... wow what a sweetie... Hahaha... anyways now that I've wrote about him like I said I would, I'ma go now...

JANUARY 30 2001-- Well, I talked to David last night and he asked me out for this Saturday night already. Noel told me that he wants to GO OUT with me, as in not "go out", but "GO OUT" with me, ya know? I dunno what I'm doing though... I get to work with Kyle this Saturday! Woo-Hoo! I'm lookin forward to that! Hahaha! I feel terrible about doing this behind Justin's back, but... I dunno! I don't wanna hurt anybody, ya know? Maybe I'm being too nice...

JANUARY 31 2001-- Today was one of those "Gawd, I feel like a smoke" days... School was okay, I talked to Noel in choir about David and she wrote me a note saying that we "fit together" and that "we're so alike", which I happen to strongly disagree with... I don't think we're anything alike. Anyways she asked me if I wanted to go shoppin with her tonight and I was like "Sure, I gotta get some clothes and stuff for Florida anyways" (our band is going down to Florida for like a week from February 13th-19th). Well, I get home and ask my mom and she's like "NO, you have CCD (religion class) tonight and besides, it's a school night." So then I was like "Well then when the hell am I gonna be able to go shoppin... we have less then two weeks left!" and she got all pissed and was like "Maybe Sunday" and I'm like "HeLLO! I gotta work Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday afternoon"... so then she said I had a "smart mouth"... which made me think "well, hey, a smart mouth is better then a dumb one." Yeah, I guess you could say today was one of those "Gawd, I feel like a smoke" days...

FEBRUARY 1 2001-- Today... another "gawd I feel like a smoke" day. The past few days I've been so pissed and upset (NO it's not PMS! Hahaha!), I give myself headaches... I barely ever get headaches, but now I know whenever I yell and try to get it all "out", I'll just get in trouble with my 'rents, so instead I let it sit inside and get these nasty headaches. I want nothing more to smash something with a baseball bat right now... Or just run... Or throw something as hard as I can possibly throw it... I know it's not good to let this kind of anger just sit inside me, but there's not much else I can do about it. I think writing in the journal everyday helps me alot though. Today we got out of school early (like at 1:19pm)... me and Noel went to Arby's and then to check out tanning prices (I'll prolly tan for prom)... then we went to the Hallmark store and looked at stupid Valentine's Day cards and stuff... It depressed me... I feel terrible about what I'm doing behind Justin's back, but I don't wanna break up with him cause not only will I be losing a boyfriend, but I'll be losing a best friend too (Justin's my best [guy] friend)... plus I still think I love him... I feel like I need him... I don't wanna hurt anyone though... and I still dunno if David is "my type" yet. I hate this... I've screwed things up so much... I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible to fix it yet and make everything better again... How did everything get this messed up?

FEBRUARY 2 2001-- I still have my headache... it's become a continious thing I guess. Anyways, school was okay until choir... Justin pissed me off so I ignored him for the rest of the day... Then after school he went out in the parking lot without me (he always meets me at my locker) so I ran out there cause I left my cd and pay-check in his truck and he opened the door and was like "Get in... you need a ride home right?" And I was like "No, I just need my cd and paycheck" and he was just like "Get in, I'll bring ya home." So anyways, he brought me home and we argued most of the way. I got out and was about to tell him that I want to see other people, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him that... it was too hard, so I just shut the door without saying goodbye and left. Then I had to work at 5pm and-of course- Justin was working, but he just acted as if nothing had happened at all! Yeah, well anyways, I got off of work reall early (like 7:30pm) so me and Toad (that's what we call George*, one of my co-workers) went to the bowling ally and Noel was there with Devon* and Paul*. (Devon likes Noel). And then I found out the Noel broke up with Nate right after school! Anyways we went bowlin with them and then me and Noel and Devon and Paul went to Subway and ate and then I came home... While we were at Subway, someone brought up the subject of people going out and stuff and Noel's like "yeah now I'm single" and I said "Yeah and I'll prolly be single soon too" and Devon (who knows Justin pretty well) was like "Why? What Justin do now?" and all I said was "He's an asshole"...

FEBRUARY 3 2001-- This morning I had to work with Kyle (Woo-Hoo!) And we got to talking and stuff and I asked him what he was thinking at this exact moment and he was like "Regardless of whether it's mean, or bad or innapporpriate?" and I was like "Yeah, sure." Then he said "I was wondering what it would be like to kiss you." Whoa! That caught me off-guard! We joked around the whole day and he was like "Can I smack your ass?" (He was jokin around... or so I thought... I went in back to get some chapstick fform my coat pocket and he followed me and I didn't know it and all the sudden he smacked my ass! Hahahaha! Holy shit he almost got his ass beat! I just looked at him and was like "Watch it hun" (we call each other "hun" at work just for the hell of it). Anyways after we clocked out we sat up in the loft and ate and talked about how relationships are so screwed up and how we both wish we could start over and stuff... Then I went home and took a shower and then David picked me up at 6:30pm and we went to Craig*'s house and met up with him and his girlfriend, Katie*. Then we went to Ruby Tuesdays (It's like Applebee's) and there was 1 hour 15 minute wait so we went to the mall for a while and then came back, but our waiter was sooooo slow! Anyways we finally got outta there at like 10:15pm and then we went to the bowling ally but there was a huge waiting line, so we ended up renting the movie "Road Trip" and watching it at Craig's house. Yes, this time David did kinda put the "moves" on me... hahahaha... Anyways I was supposed to be home at like 11:30pm (yeah like I said my parents treat me like a 3rd grader) but I ended up getting home at like 11:56pm... Thank God my parents were asleep! I think David expected to get a kiss or something when he dropped me off at my house, but I left him with a kiss on the cheek instead. I had fun and all, but Justin kept popping up in my mind the whole night and I felt so damn guilty... God this sux sooo much...

FEBRUARY 4 2001-- Well last night was fun... Today after church I visited Justin at work and then went shopping with my mom and grandma (big fun). I looked at Valentine's Day cards and stuff and it depressed me more and more. I told Noel that if David asks her what he should get me for Valentine's Day to tell him "nothing". I would absolutely shit if he did get me something. Anyways, nothing much has happened, so that's all folks.

FEBRUARY 5 2001-- Well, I talked to Justin after school today... I asked him if he had ever even thought about seeing other people and he was like "Nope, never thought of it." And I'm thinking "Yeah right... you cheated on me... you HAD to have ATLEAST thought about it," but he insisted that he didn't. I told him that I've been going out with another guy and a few other people for the past 3 weekends and he was kinda sad, but didn't show it. He makes it so hard cause he was so sweet to me the whole time when I'm telling him all this, so it made me feel like shit, ya know? Cause I've been feeling so guilty and stuff and I started cryin' when I told him about all this cause I didn't wanna hurt him. I still don't know what's gonna happen cause it's like I'm afraid to break it off with him, ya know? Gawd love sux so much at times...

FEBRUARY 8 2001-- Sorry I haven't been on for a while (my parents took the password off the net for a few days). Anyways, not much more has happened in the past week or so. I told Justin about David (but I didn't tell him David's name)... David asked me out for tomorrow night and we're gonna go with one of my friends and her friend (that goes to David's school)... unless my parents decided to be mean and won't let me go... I finally got a car last night! WooHoo! About time! I knew all that bitchin' would pay off! It's a greenish-teal '94 Plymouth Acclaim (I know it's not the newest thing, but hey, it's a vehicle!). Anyways, there's a short in the radio and the dome lights, so they don't work right now but hopefully it will be fixed this weekend :). Other than that, nothing else has really happened... except that now there's rumors flying about me dating David... but I'm not worried cause Justin already knows... I'm glad I told him... It's like I love Justin so much that I want him to be happy and if I break up with him I know he won't be happy and it'll hurt him (and me). This is tough... what do I do?

FEBRUARY 10 2001- As pathetic as it sounds, I can't be in a car without music so I got some batteries and put my cd player in the backseat and I have the remote up front with me... Yeah it's no the best, but hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do! Anyways, yesterday at school I was talking to Andrea* and she asked if me and David wanted to come with her and this other guy from David's school to go see a movie. Justin happened to over hear me talkin about this and he was like "No, don't go out with her tonight" and so I said "I'll do whatever I damn well please... You don't own me". He was pissed, but then we saw each other between one of out classes and he acted as though nothing had happened. Anyways, so last night I told my mom I was going shopping with Andrea and instead I picked Andrea up and we went to David's and waited for Brian* (the guy from David's school that Andrea was supposed to go out with). Then Brian* got there and we went to Fazoles and then to the movies... We ran into 1 person from our school which kind of make me a little uneasy, but it was okay. We saw "Head Over Heels" it was pretty good... Anyways, we went back to Davids and then Andrea and I left (after David gave me a kiss on da cheek g'night) and I dropped her off and went home. I didn't feel as guilty last night though, so maybe that's good. Tonight I have to work (so does Justin) and he said he was getting off early (like at the time I usually get off) and then he wanted to go out... I'll fill ya in on that one tomorrow...

FEBRUARY 19 2001-- I'm so so sorry I haven't updated this in a while. Lat Sunday (not yesterday, but the Sunday before that) me and Kyle worked together and then talked up in the loft again. He was like "Just do it... Break up with him now" and I was like "Now?!" and he was like "Yeah, I'll be waiting here for you so it'll be okay" so I went in back, but he had already left. Kyle and I talked a little longer and he said that I should call him. Monday (a week ago today) I did it. I went over to Justin's house after school with his shirt and his ring and I broke up with him. I was such a wreck. I cried the whole way home and it was so hard cause I cried when I broke up with and I couldn't go to him and ask him to hold me or make things better... I've never felt so totally alone... I cried all night and I finally gave Kyle a call... I was oikay when I talked to him on the phone, but as soon as we hung up, I was all tears again... I didn't think I had that many tears in me... He didn't cry at all... It was like he was happy or something. It was hard to see him the next day. My eyes were sill red from crying the night before. I had county band and he had county choir so we rode the same bus and he sat right in front of me and it was so hard to look at him and see him smiling especially after what had happened the night before. I asked him if he was even sad about what happened and he was like "No, I can't be sad... It's over" and I almost broke down into tears then because that made me think "Gee, I'm glad our relationship meant something to you." Anyways, Tuesday after school we left on the bus for Florida (we took 3 buses, 1 for the guys and 2 for the girls). We watched a bunch of chick-flicks the whole way there and it made me so sad because they all ended with the girl getting the guy and mushy stuff like that. Then when it was midnight, everyone was yelling "Happy Valentine's Day" and that made me feel even worse because I didn't have a "valentine". I put on my headphones and listened to a cd, but even the songs made me think of him. Somehow, I managed not to cry the entire bus ride (which was like 22 hours). Anyways, Florida was awesome and we had great weather... Tuesday night I called David from the hotel and I was like "I didn't have anyone else to call on Valentine's Day so I called you." He was glad to hear from me. Disney World was great, but whenever I saw Justin even talking to a girl, it made me feel so jealous and then I would get so upset because it hurt just the same as it did when we were together even though now he's not mine anymore. I hung out with Amanda and Andrea and Cara for most of the trip (we shared a room too). Then Saturday night, we got together with Adam (a freshman guy) and 2 of his friends. Adam just broke up with this senior girl (who I thought was a total bitch) so we were going through the same thing. We rode the "blue thing" (its like a little train that goes around Tomorrow Land in Disney World's Magic Kingdom) and we got the back seat and ew joked around about making out and crap (you know, just being stupid) and he had his arm around me the entire time and we were talking about how we screwed up out relationships and how it hurts and stuff and then we went through a long tunnel and our faces were real close and I could feel our noses touching and I was like "You're nose is warm" and he was like "You're nose is cold" (stupid dialogue huh) and before I knew it, I was kissing him. (He started it though). It felt good to be able to kiss another guy and not feel guilty. Anyways we promised to keep it a secret and not to tell anyone (as you can see I'm bad at keeping secrets). Anyways, it felt awesome to get that electrifying feeling you get when you kiss someone for the first time with butterflies in your stomache and everything. Anyways, I threw out the idea to Justin to date, but not be bf/gf, ya know? I told him how I felt and he admitted that he was hurtin' too. I tried to explain my theory or getting over the pain... It's like being addicted to cigarrettes... it's too hard to just stop smoking... that's why they invented the patch... it lets you down easy. Maybe that was a bad analogy, but I think he understood. Anyways, I gotta go...

FEBRUARY 22 2001-- Tuesday I went back to school.. and then found out that the stomach flu was going around and got sick like right after school. I stayed home Wednesday and today so I'm reeeeally behind on my homework... I think I've set a record though... I'ev puked 3 or 4 times within an hour and 7 or 8 times within 8 hours... NASTY! Anyways, I blacked out in the shower Tuesday night and temporarily lost conciousness so my mom had to get me out of the shower and all I remember was yelling "Please dun look at my naked".... hahaha... anyways, I'm better now, but really weak. David asked me out for this Saturday night, but I told him I dunno cause I got alotta shit on my mind (especially with what happened in Florida). Justin still calls... David called me too... Well I gotta go cause I got a ton of homework to do...

FEBRUARY 26 2001-- I got to work with Kyle today. We wrote notes back and forth on these little note pads that are used for taking orders and stuff. We wrote about what we were thinking, but we're too afraid to actually say. It was rather interesting. The note that made me think the most is on this page for you to read yourself (I blanked out his real name and just left the "K" there instead and about the stupid grammar he used in it, we were writing stupid like that to each other all night, so don't think he's weird or anything) Anyways, we were outside talking and Justin (my now EX bf) drove up (why then of all times?) and it seemed like forever until he left and my and Kyle went back to talking. He wants to kiss me and I want to kiss him, but he's going out with one of my friends (but lately he's been having serious second thoughts). Anyways we just stood there trying to decide what to do while freezing our asses off, so I finally said "Hey I gotta get going" and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then I thought "Oh hell, go for it" so I looked at him with our noses touching and I said, "Purely experimental, right?" which was our way of excusing whatever we do "wrong", and he was like "Yeah" so I kissed him... (But HE used his tongue first! Hahaha!) I got that wonderful, incredible, electrifying feeling again and it felt better then ever cause this was someone I could actually date, I actually had feelings for him... we had even discussed dating and stuff. Anyways, after it I said "This never happened" and he agreed, so we're keeping the secret (again, I'm not good with secrets). Anyways, hopefully we'll get together or go out sometime, but whatever happens, happens.

FEBRUARY 27 2001-- School sucked today. I talked to Justin after school and we ended up kissing... he basically said that he's ok with me seeing other people, and that made me think "What the Hell is wrong with you?! I wouldn't want my bf or gf seeing other people!" Anyways I worked with Kyle tonight and he said that he read over those notes like a hundred times and I was like "Yeah, me too" We talked outside after work [again] and he was like "When should I break up with her?" and I'm like "I dunno... I feel bad cause all this is my fault" and he was just like "No, not totally... it's both of us." Hahaha. But tonight, he started the "trouble" he kissed me first more than one time... more like 5 or 6 but anyways, he was like "It would be cool just to hangout sometime, like go out to eat and then walk around at the mall or something, just to see what it would be like, ya know?" and I was like "yeah, that would be cool" so who knows what's gonna happen there. Anyways, hopefully we'll be hanging out this weekend, but if not, then hey it's all good. Well gotta go...

MARCH 3 2001-- Well as it turns out, Kyle broke up with Amanda Thursday night and said she was crying for like 3 hours straight... he said he was crying too. Anyways I called him from work Friday night and Amanda was over at his house and he was like "Shell, I'm sorry but this isn't a good time" so I let him go. Saturday morning I came into work and saw him with a hickey on his neck. I didn't say anything until his friend pointed it out and then looked at me and was like "Whadja do to him?" (Kyle told him about what's going on between him and me) and I was just like "It wasn't from me... it was from Amanda." And then he was like "Well doesn't that bother you at all?" And I was just like "Yeah, but it's not my place to get mad... I mean it's not like we're going out or anything, but yeah it bothers me" and he was just like "Well you two may as well be going out... I give it about a week or so and you two'll be together," and I was just like "What makes you say that?" and he didn't really answer. Anyways, I wasn't all cheery and happy-go-lucky like I usually am for the rest of the morning and I know Kyle noticed. He kept asking "what's wrong" and I'd be like "nothing, I'm fine." Then he asked if I was mad at him and I just said "No, I'm not mad" because in all actuality, I wasn't... I was just very disappointed and hurt. I told Kyle that I wanted to talk to him and he was like "Okay, talk" and I was like "I don't think here's the place and now's the time." So after work, we sat out in my car for like an hour and a half talking about everything and I asked him if he was back with Amanda again or not and he was like "No, we broke up, but this (pointing to his neck) wasn't my fault... she crawled on top of me and started 'attacking' my neck." I was starting to get upset so I just kinda went off on him and was like "Well it bothers me that you break up with her and then you two get on each other again, I mean, that's not how it works and don't tell me it wasn't your fault because you know well enough that you could've stopped it if you wanted to." We talked like forever about what was happening and he basically said "I want to get back together with Amanda to see if we can work things out but I don't wanna hurt you and lose you as a friend." That hurt alot. I told him how I felt and that I kinda expected something to come of this "me & him" thing and that now I felt like he played me and I felt like he just used me and stuff. I told him that I was serious when I said that I wanted to see how "me & him" would work out. I wanted to just grab him by the shoulders and shake him and say "Hey! Look what you got right in front of you! Let Amanda go!" But I couldn't... I dunno why, but I just couldn't. This sux so bad... I went home and cried about it... maybe that makes me a wuss, I dunno and right now I don't care. Then later I was cleanin' my room and I found some pix of me and Justin and it made me feel even worse and then the song "Crazy" (by KC & Jojo) came on as I was packing away memories and stuff from me and Justin's relationship and I just broke down and started bawling right there and then. ..."I'm going crazy thinkin' about you baby"... Oh God why those lyrics? Why did that song have to be on the radio right then? Why while I was trying to put the past behind me? I called Noel up to talk to her but she wasn't home... none of my other friends were home either. I've never felt so used and hurt and let down and abandoned and alone in my life...

MARCH 4 2001-- Last night, Justin called... he was like "Please don't go out with Kyle, I can't take it... I'm already gettin' harassed about it" and I was like "Well, I'm not your girlfriend anymore so I'm gonna see whoever I damn well please" and he was like "Well, you could be my girlfriend again if you wanted"... I had to work today but I wasn't out front with Kyle (and that's probably a good thing). I was up last night til like 2:30am and I wrote Kyle a note about how I'm feeling and stuff. It was harsh and I "warned" him of that when I handed it to him. Anyways later he came in back and was filling up some pitchers with water and he was like "Come here" and then he was like "Reach in my front [shirt] pocket" so I did and there was a note. I read it after he left and it made me kinda happy and kinda sad. He didn't get back together with Amanda. He said he went with her to the mall and stuff and that it was weird and everything was different... like even the little things like he didn't want to hold her hand or anything like that even. The note went on to say that he was going to "fade away" so that he wouldn't cause anymore problems and stuff and that if he went away then there would be no troubles and people wouldn't get hurt or anything. He thanked me for teaching him that he can't treat people the way he treated me and then went on to say that he never did deserve anyone like me anyways. I felt so bad after I read that so the next time he came in back I asked him to bring me a note tablet and a pen so he did and I wrote him a note back about how I was sorry and I didn't mean to go off on him in my note. I told him how special he was to me and stuff and that he can't "fade away" cause there's people like me that need people like him. Anyways I was feeling like crap about that when Justin looked at me and held a pickle up ready to throw it at me so I warned him and said "Don't you dare throw food at me or you'll regret it" and then he threw it at me! So I picked it up and he came over to put a pan in the sink and I smashed the pickle on his back... Hahaha! Then I went back to doin' dishes and before I knew it he came up behind me with a handfull of whip-cream and shoved it in my face! It was all over my entire face and in my hair and everything! I chased him into a corner and slammed him up against the wall and socked him in the gut... then I ran in the back room and grabbed a towel to wipe my face off... I went out front by the buffet and grabbed a bowl of this chocolate and whip cream dessert and flipped the bowl over in my hand and went in back and found Justin but he caught me before I could smash it on his face and he knocked the bowl away and it broke into like a million pieces and left me with chocolate all over my left arm. He had to clean that mess up... hahaha! Then I tried to wash the whip cream out of my hair but my hair was all tangled with it and nasty lookin so Kyle got me a fork and helped comb it out... Hahaha... a fork... I guess that's what friends are for though, right? Anyways I went back to doing dishes and Justin came over to help but I wouldn't talk to him and finally I said "You want me to go back out with you and yet you treat me like this?" and he was like "No I don't want you to go out with me again" and (thinking of what he said the night before) I was just like "whatever"... Well, I waited for Kyle to get off and then we talked and stuff and he decided that he was gonna chill for a while and maybe go out with me as a friend and see how that goes so WOO-HOO!

MARCH 5 2001-- School was okay today... for a Monday at least... I stopped in at work to check the schedule and Kyle was there so I talked to him for a lil bit, but other than that, not much has happened at all. He asked if I was doing anything this weekend and I was like "As of now, no" and he was like "Good... and don't get grounded" (cause last weekend I was grounded). Then I got home and talked to Amanda and she asked me if I wanna go out with her and some guys from a nearby town (I don't know 'em) Saturday night... I dunno if I should go with Kyle or Amanda cause I have to work Friday night so it's not like I can go out with one Friday and the other Saturday ya know? Amanda already asked Stacey to go if I don't so it's not like she'll be left alone if I decided not to, but if I don't go with Amanda, then what do I tell her? "Yeah sorry I can't go, I'm going out with your ex-boyfriend Saturday"... um... NO! Not good! Well anyways I'll figure that out later...

MARCH 7 2001-- Well, I worked tonight out front with Angie... Justin was working in back. I was okay with everything til about 7 o'clock cause Angie went in back for something and I looked in the window and saw Justin talking to her... Now don't go thinking I'm an acusing bitch, but I know Justin very well and he usually doesn't talk to anyone back there, he usually just says something to them out loud where everyone can hear him... not like how he was talking to her. Anyways that bothered me and I was in a pissy mood but there was nothing I could do about it cause he's not mine anymore... I was about to leave and I saw Angie go in back to get her coat and there was Justin, leaning against the lockers talkin to her again... Oh that just pissed me off... I felt like shit about all this cause it still hurts but I can't do anything about it... Then on the way home I heard the song "Crazy" (KC & Jojo) and then this new song that totally described what I was feeling like... "Never Had A Dream Come True" (S Club 7)... I almost started crying right then and there but then told myself that I had to be strong and I have to stop crying... I thought about calling Kyle when I got home, but decided against the idea... Oh well... hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...

MARCH 9 2001-- Last night I went with Lori, Cara, and Erin to the boys tournament basketball game. The student cheering section reeked of alcohol and one girl passed out and then threw up all over the bleachers... not good. Anyways we won (WOOHOO!). Kyle called before I left for the game and he said something about this weekend and I told him I had plans with Amanda (his now ex-gf) and he was upset and I was just like "Well does it bother you that I would go out with her?" and he was like "Yeah," so I told Amanda that I prolly can't go with her (that way I could go out with Kyle instead). By that time I was late (I was supposed to meet at Lori's at a certain time so I told Kyle that I'd call him after school today. When I did call today, it's like everything had changed... again... he was basically like "I wanna see if I can salvage what's left of this relationship between me and Amanda" Oh man I was sooooo pissed, but I didn't let it show (I rarely do) but then I went into work after that and I was like "Why do I even try to be nice and cheery and all happy-go-lucky around people that I don't really like, much less care about what the hell they think about me... screw it.. if I'm in a bad mood, I'm not gonna hide it anymore... I'm just gonna be in a bad mood whether people like it or not" so I did exactly that... I feel like if something else pisses me off enough, I'm just gonna snap... and it isn't gonna be pretty either... Anyways I got off work early and I drove to the place that David works and waited for him to get off and then we went to his house and then we took his car to go rent a movie (he got a new car and it is verrrrrrry nice!). Then I went home, but he kissed me beofre I left... it was uncomfortable I think... it was like he kinda jabbed his tongue in my mouth and I was just like "Whoa! Behave!" cause I didn't wanna make him feel stupid or anything, ya know? But I talked to Nelle about it and she was like "So he basically needs kissing lessons" and I was just like "Um... YEAH!"

MARCH 10 2001-- Today I worked with Kyle again... I didn't say a work to him the entire day except "Could you get an ice water for table 6" or something neccessary like that. One of Kyle's friends was workin' in back and I went back there and he was like "What's up between you and Kyle?" and I was like "What do you mean by that?" and he didn't really say anything and then he was like "Why don't you just chew his ass out for what he did to you... he deserves it" and I was like "well I dun want him to think I'm a bitch." Anyways I didn't wait for Kyle to get off so I could talk to him... in fact I didn't say goodbye to anyone or anything like that... I just walked out the door. Tonight I went with Noel and her bf Devon and Ross and Erin and her bf Matt and Shelle (Matt's sister) and went bowling... it sucked so bad and I just felt like shit like I just wanted to go home... it was terrible and I felt like a whine-y bitch... Oh well... tomorrow I gotta work with Kyle again... maybe I'll talk... maybe I'll be in a better mood... I dunno but right now I think I'm gonna snap if something else goes "wrong" or pisses me off...

MARCH 11 2001-- Well, last night sucked... royally... I had to work with Kyle again today and at first I didn't say anything but after an hour or so I was like "Not very talkative today?" and he looked stunned to hear my voice directed at him. As it turns out he did get back together with Amanda (grr... >= ( ) and I was left feeling used. Justin and I talked after work and by the way it's going I might get back together with him... but then there's David... This is too difficult... My mom mentioned prom and asked who I was going with and I was like "I have no clue" cause right now I think it's between Justin and David...

MARCH 13, 2001-- Today was your average Monday.. I was a little more tired then usual, but I managed to stay awake most of the day... yeah... MOST. After school me and Lori and Cara went to WalMart and got t-shirts and then decorated them so we could wear 'em to the tournament game Wednesday... WOO-HOO!! Later, Al (short for his nickname) called and I talked to him for a while and as it turns out, he's been reading this journal... hahaha... damn nosey people... j/k! Anyways, can't wait for the weekend! WOO-HOO! In a way, I like being single but I still miss Justin... but I like being with David too... Damnit I hate this...

MARCH 15 2001-- Well we had another tournament game last night and me and Lori, Erin, Amanda, Andrea, Cara, and Kim made T-shirts and dressed up real stupid and stuff. I painted Justin's face blue and gold and did his hair all freaky too. Then me and "my crew" (Lori, Erin, Amanda, Andrea, Cara and Kim) went to the Waffle House and me and Lori we're being real stupid and we asked for an application and shit and the waitress was getting pissed... Cara opened Erin's car door and hit the car next to her... OOOPS! Oh well... then we were on the interstate for a while and we saw this van with a family in it so me and Lori would point at the van every time we would be by it and we would act like we were retarded... then we got our camera's and took pictures of their van (all while driving about 70 or 75 mph) and then we we're like "Let's flash 'em!!" well not really flash cause we had a "husband beater" on underneath out t-shirts, but you know, so when we got near their van we're were about to flash 'em and here the guy in back lifted up his shirt and licked his finger and was rubbing his chest! OMG! Me and Lori laughed for like 10 minutes straight about it... We we're drinking Surge the whole way there (it's got more sugar in it than Mountain Dew to say the least). We were all slap happy and shit and acting stupid... it was great. Then at the game we were waving gold tinsel around every time our team scored (our school colors are blue and gold) but we ended up losing by like 6 points... in the parking lot me and Lori were running around the car doing "Chinese fire drill" cause the line was moving so slowly and then these girls from the other team were in the car in front of us and being all cocky so during one of our Chinese fire drills, I smacked the back of their car and kissed my hand and smacked my ass (if you didn't already know, that means "KISS MY ASS!"). Hahahahaha! I've never had so much fun being stupid in my life!

MARCH 19 2001-- Well, David asked me out for this past weekend, so we were planning on going out to eat at Casalua's (restaurant) and then do whatever. David got a new car (well not a NEW new car, but a different new car). It's dark green and its one of those sporty 2 door things with the headlights that pop up (I dunno what kind it is cause I'm a girl--I don't know alot about cars, not that I'm saying stereotypes about girls and cars are okay, but ya know)... We met at Craig's house and found out that Craig and Katie already ate (which I found out was a good thing cause my english teacher [she rambles alot] told our class that she ate at Casalua's Saturday night) so we just went out for ice cream and then went bowling. Katie didn't do too well... David and I were tied for most of both the games but he ended up winning by like 6 points (I let him win of course... "ego boost"... hahaha). Anyways, we went back to Craig's after that and then me and David went back to his house and watched TV for a while. I got to take the "grand tour" of his bedroom (which was amazingly imaculate! He had to have just cleaned or something!) Then I went home, but I didn't kiss him or nothing, hahaha, call me a bitch if you want to... School sucked today... Justin said he got this Saturday night off, so maybe we'll do something together and see what happens. Besides, David's gonna be gone cause he leaves for his senior trip (to NY) Wednesday night and won't be back til Sunday. Not a whole lot else has happened besides all that, so whatever, go figure.

MARCH 22 2001-- Well, when Justin said he had this Saturday night off, the first thing I said was "Really? What's the catch?" and he was like "Nothing... I got Saturday off so we could go out," and so I was happy and crap about that... then I talked to Noel later and she said they had show choir Saturday (Noel and Justin are both in show choir) so I asked her what time and she was like "well the competition starts at 7:30pm so we should be back around 9:30 or 10pm"... OMG I was soooo pissed when I found that out. I talked to Justin the next day and told him that he had show choir that day and he was like "No I don't" and I told him that Noel said they did and he was like "Aw, shit! Damnit... I'm sorry... I didn't know about it," and I was just like "Yeah, I knew there had to be a catch..." Figures... I was feeling pretty shitty about that and then Brooke asked me to work for him Saturday night... even though I'm already working Saturday morning cause she just found out that she has a "surprise" brithday party... so I felt sorry for her so she's working for me Friday and I get to work Saturday from 8am -3pm and then again from 4:30pm - 9 or 10pm... but I'm hosting so it shouldn't be too bad. Anyways life sux... so what else is new?

MARCH 23 2001-- Well, last night I stayed up til like 1am crying ma' eyes out... I'm beginning to have major second thoughts about breaking up with Justin... I miss him so much... God this sux soooo much... and now I have Prom coming up... I dunno if I should ask him or not... but I do know that if I have to see him at Prom... WITH another girl, it'll get to me... and if he's dancing with her... OMG, I don't think I can handle that... I'ma end up crying the entire night... This hurts so much... sometimes it hurts just to breathe...

MARCH 25 2001-- I worked with Justin today... I talked to him in back and all the sudden he asked "So who are you going to Prom with?" and I was like "I dunno" and he said "Why don't you take that other guy?" and I was like "Because I don't want to... I don't think he's my type, plus it would be uncomfortable for him and me both" and he was like "Oh, he's not your type now? I guess you should've thought about that before you dumped me for him" and I was like "Yeah, I wish I would've cause now I regret it alot" and all he did was laugh... then he asked how I would feel if he went to Prom with another girl and I told him "I don't think I could handle it" and he just laughed again... I was so pissed, so I just walked away... Then we had choir practice for dinner theater and about an hour or two into practice I saw him standing alone with a script so I walked over and asked to see it and then I asked if he was mad or upset or if it bothered him that I was standing there talking to him and he was like "No" and then we got into the whole Prom and me and him issue and I was being totally honest and serious when I told him that I'd rather go with him then anyone else and all he could do was laugh in my face... I was so pissed so I said "F*** you" and threw the script back at him and walked away. I felt like crying and I almost did... I understand how he would feel about me breaking up with him to go out with another guy, but can't I have another chance? I made a mistake and now I regret it so much... But when he cheated on me, I gave him a second chance... so don't I deserve one too?
7

MARCH 29 2001-- Well, tonight was the first night for Dinner Theater... I missed my ensemble... oops... hahaha... anyways I talked to Justin after the show and after a long talk, he told me that he'd take me back... I've never been so happy and thankful in my life... I was crying (happy tears for once) and then he got all sorta bummed out all the sudden and I was like "What's wrong? Is it me?" and he was like "Nothing..." but I kept insisting that he tell me, so he finally said "It's just that I've wanted to go out with Erin since my freshman year"... OMG... I broke into tears crying hysterically right there... if there was one girl that I wouldn't want him to see, it would be her... I just cried and cried and kept asking myself, "Why her? Why the one person that I can't stand??" and then looked at me and wiped away my tears, even though more kept running down my face and said, "who are you?" and I was like "what do ya mean?" and he was just like "WHO ARE YOU?" and I was like "Shelly" and he's like "Ok, I'm with you... " and I asked him "why did you tell me that though?" and he never did give me an answer... I'm glad I'm back w/him, but what he said just bothers the hell outta me and I keep re-playing it in my head "I've wanted to go out with Erin since my freshman year"... but besides that... what am I gonna tell David?... uh-oh...

APRIL 1 2001-- Well, the whole Justin thing is a little better... if you can say that... anyways today me and my friend played the ultimate April Fool's joke on David... we told him that I was bisexual... hahaha! (not true, I can assure you that I'm 100% hetero) but anyways he actually believed it! So then he was like "Who all knows this?" and I was like "You, Allison, Noel, me, my gf and my bf" and he was like "What?!? Since when all the sudden do you have a bf??" He was more upset about me having a bf then me being "bi" (which kinda scares me). He got all pissed at me and shit... I didn't know he could be so harsh... ouch... anyways, so thats screwed up good... blah! If life is like a box of chocolates, then I got stuck with those real nasty ones with the gross orange stuff in the middle... the ones that no one likes so they just set there until someone throws 'em away... ha! just my luck...

APRIL 13 2001-- It's been a while since I updated this... sorry... well, David's not mad at me anymore... and I'm single again now... Justin got back from his senior trip Wednesday and I went over to his house that night and he said that he wanted to talk to me and right then and there I knew... but then I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about and he was like "Just forget it... it doesn't matter anymore" and I begged him to tell me and he was like "I was gonna dump you... but I've changed my mind"... I asked him if anything happened on senior trip between him and Erin and he was like "no"... then Thursday afterschool (we had majorette practice) Kellie said that alot of the senior girls were askin' her if Justin was still going out with me cause he was around Erin... ALOT... I about got sick to my stomache at that thought and Kellie said she even asked Erin if she like Justin and she said that Erin said "Well I would go out with him if he wasn't such a jerk"... OMG, that pissed me off soooo much cause Kellie had told her that Justin and I were still going out and then she has the nerve to say that! BITCH! Anyways I got home and I called Justin and confronted him about all this... It felt like he ripped out my heart and threw it away... Anyways we talked for a little while longer and then I asked him if he still wanted to do anything that night (cause we originally planned to go to the Vortex - a dance club - cause it was teen night) and he was like "Sure, I'll stop by at work after play practice and wait for you." Well when he got there I was just getting ready to clock out and he was like "I gotta talk to you" and I'm like "about what?" and he's like "You and me",... uh-oh... I knew this was coming. Anyways I clocked out and I was like "Ok where do ya wanna talk?" and he's like "in my truck" so I'm like "ok, but are we going anywhere cause then I'm bringing clothes to change into" and he was like "Yeah bring some clothes". So we went to the movie theater and on the way there he basically said that he wanted to "explore what was out there" and that he needed a break. So we broke up... and it was weird cause I was okay with it... we had an intelligent rational adult conversation about our relationship and no one was yelling or crying or anything like that. We joked the whole way there like if he would put his hand on my leg I would be like "You can't do that anymore... You're not my boyfriend" and just stupid stuff like that. We ended up seeing "Heartbreakers" (what an apporpriate title for the evening) and towards the end, I got tears in my eyes (no it wasn't from the movie either cause I don't cry over movies) but it was 'cause I kept thinking "This might be the last time I ever go out with him"... On the way home I cried and he was like "I still love you and I still really like you; I can see us getting together down the road... Hell I can even see us getting married" which is weird cause I could see us getting married too... and then he went on to say "It just seems like this is right... like you and me are right for each other ya know?" and I agreed with him cause there is definitely something there... I don't know what it is but it's there... He said he's still going to take me to Prom and dance a few slow songs with me and that we're still going to be friends, but that he wanted me to see other guys and he wanted to see other girls... So far, I'm doing okay with it... Hahaha! I went to Walmart this morning cause I needed sunglasses cause I lost my other ones in Florida... I got rose tinted glasses so now I can say that "I see the world from rose-tinted glasses"... I think I'm gonna be okay...

APRIL 23 2001-- Prom was this past Saturday... Justin picked me up and we took pictures at my house and then at his... He kept on acting as though we were still going out... I mean, he was holding my hand and stuff and would kiss me on the cheek and just stuff like that and I told him that honestly, I don't think we should be acting like we're going out because how am I supposed to get over him if he still acts that way? I mean, I still catch myself referring to him as my boyfriend in my head, ya know? It needs to stop. Anyways, he was just like "C'mon, it's Prom... please?" So I was like "whatever" because I still like him alot and I still love him and he likes and loves me... Then at Prom we danced some slow songs and then he was w/his friends and I was w/mine and then I found him back again and I came up from behind him and wrapped my arms around him and he was like "What are you doing? We're not going out ya know" and I was just like "Oh don't you even pull this shit on me! So what, I'm good enough to get on, but not to hang around?" because before prom he wanted to makeout and shit and I was like "Um no", but we ended up gettin' on each other anyways (I know it sounds bad, but you had to be there to totally understand... be nice... please don't judge me). ANYways!... so he and I just sat there and were pissed at each other and I was so ready to cry (but I didn't want to smear my mascara--hahaha!) and then KC & Jojo's "All My Life" came on and he took me by the hand and we danced and things were better... Then at like 9:00 he came up to me and was like "Are you ready to go?" and I'm like "Hell no! It's early! I'm not leaving!" and he's like "Well all my friends are going to my house and I kinda need to be there" and I'm like "Well then go ahead and leave cause that's what you'll end up doing anyways" and he was like "Look, will you stop being a bitch?" and I'm like "I have my own goddamn reasons" ... Anyways he was like "Well, I'm leaving" so I was like "Okay, fine... just bring my damn keys here and I'll find someone else to bring me home." So he did and when he brought my keys back I looked him in the eyes and said "I hope you had fun at your prom cause you just ruined mine" and he just stood there and didnt say anything and finally I hugged him and said "Don't drink too much and promise me you won't smoke" and he was like "why do you care?" and I was like "Just cause we're not going out doesn't mean I don't care about you." Anyways yeah, my prom date left me... Man, I was sooo goddamn pissed and upset... But after a while I was w/my friends and I was okay. Missy and her boyfriend George brought me home and I changed and then I went over to Justin's and he already had like 2 beers and some gin and he's like "So are you staying?" and I'm like "No, I'm going to post prom" and he's like "Do you want me to go with you?" and I'm like "Your friends are here... you have to stay with them, remember?" and at first he didn't say anything and then he was like "I prolly shouldn't go since I've been drinking and all." So anyways I left and he kinda thought I would be coming back after post prom, but instead I went to post prom and then I went to Lori's and spent the night... I was up til 9 in the morning and then I went home and went to sleep... Over all... Prom--the decorations and music and everything was better then last year by a long shot, but Justin pretty much ruined my evening... I've never felt so shitty in my life... I never thought he'd have the nerve to do that to me... Yeah so Sunday after work he apologized and was like "I'm so sorry Shelly, I was a jerk... I wish I wouldn't have had people over at my house, I wish I didn't leave you... I would've had so much more fun if I would've stayed... I'm sorry I should've stayed with you"... he had tears running down his face when he told me this... I didn't say anything... and if he was expecting me to say "It's okay," then he has another thing coming for him cause it's not okay... thanks to him, I'm always gonna remember my junior prom as "Oh yeah, that's the year my prom date left me"... I'm going to David's prom though, as friends and that's May 5th so hopefully that will be better...

*Names have been changed